It's your world, I'm just living in it

Due to recent people and events in my life and reflection on religion’s role in the modern world, I think I’m going to try and go to church again and approach and interpret God on my own terms.

I’ve only went on one date with this girl but I can’t get her out of my head…it’s almost embarassing.

When you ignore a person’s past, your future actions have the possibility of hurting that person through that ignorance.  When you ignore your past, you’re opening the door for that hurt to come back into your life and are stunting your ability for self reflection.

I need a “Crush” me girl.

Today I was in a chapel contemplating the impending death of a loved one.  I’m not Christian (I’m Deist if you’re curious) but it was such a quiet, peaceful place despite the small service happening at the front of the chapel. I kneeled in a pew, cursed, wondered why, and had a few tears. 

 I followed a set of stone carvings depicting Christ’s crucifixtion until I ran into a Medieval statute of infant Jesus.  Apparently Christ spoke to a monk named Cyril and in part said “…pay honor to me and I shall bless you…”  Now I know many of you are starting to think “Fucking Christianity and organized religion…nothing but a crock of shit sold to the masses to gain power.”  And you would be right…in part.  During my conversation with infant Christ, I asked questioned his existance (and most religions in general), remarked that Cyril probably got nothing for his loyal obedience to Christianity, but it was not all venom.  I didn’t just have an epiphany that people are what ruin religion, not religion itself. 

The Popes, rabis, Imams, etc. contain shitty people just like every other portion of earthly society.  Funny thing, I ended up apologizing to Christ and all other religions for humans mistreatment and misrepresentation of what should be a beautiful thing.  Religion has been invoked to start war, hoard wealth, committ genocide, and other sorts of sins but it was people who used their position of power within religious institutions to do this.  If religion didn’t exist, oppression and extortion would find a different avenue: it always does. 

Religion to me is a contract of good faith and a platform that people can use to promote harmony.  Many people within the clergy are good people and have used the religious structure to center themselves, give direction to their life, and escape the dismal state most humans suffer in.  This platform has allowed for charitable good works that most of religion’s naysayers wouldn’t have the fucking guts to do.  Most people miss the point: religion is a state of mind one can use for reflection, peace, and betterment of oneself.  The chapel brought me peace today, something that all the modern medicine, science, and technology in the world cannot seem to do.

Football has meant more to me than I probably realize at the moment.  When I was a little kid I wasn’t very good at socializing.  I was an angry and sad kid sometimes but football was a release.  Before I realized it was good to excel in school and be proud of it, football gave me a place where I belonged.  It was the one place where hard work and dedication could make up for a person’s shortcomings.  You could bust your ass on the field, the weight room and earn a chance to play.  It allowed me to meet some of my best friends and to be a part of something bigger than myself: a team with a solitary goal in mind.  A group of boys/men working towards a goal to represent themselves, the people on their team, their families, and their schools in the right way.

I came close to quitting after 7th grade because of an absolute dickhead of a coach and then again in 8th grade because I thought I didn’t love the sport anymore.  I stuck it out and ended up starting off and on my junior year of high school and every game my senior year.  I was an offensive lineman through and through. Partly because I wasn’t the most athletic, partly because I was the 4th biggest kid on the team (at 6’2, 225 lbs.) and partly because I never developed my athleticism through other sports.  My senior year was a fucking disaster as we went 2-9.  The feeling after that last game was heartbreak (with tears in private) but it locked it in my mind I couldn’t let my career end that way.  I decided to attend Augsburg College over Carleton to continue my career  and I’ll never regret that decision.

I kept busting my ass at Augsburg in order to get on the field any way possible, but I don’t think the head coach really gave me a chance.  Even so, I know I could’ve done more to convince him.  I was moved to Defensive end when I got to Augsburg and as my senior approached, it dawned on me I was never going to be able to play.  The reasons of why I think I didn’t play don’t matter, the reasons I stuck it out for four years did.

I realized that the reason I stayed was because I owed it to my teammates (friends), my parents, and my family to continue.  My teammates became an extension of my family and I love those guys, I’d do anything for them.  I owed it to the coaching staff who actually gave me a shot to play.  I owed it to myself to not quit on something that had given me so much and may continue to give me so much.  I owed it to my parents and the rest of my family to give them a source of pride.  They didn’t give a shit I wasn’t on the field, it gave them something to hold on to and look forward to. 

My dad was diagnosed prior to that start of my senior season of college.  He was given 1 1/2 to 5 years to live.  Football for us is a bond that cannot be broken.  We can rely on it, we know it will always be present in our lives.  To attach our hopes to bunch of guys (college and pro) that we might never meet may seem foolish to a lot of people, but if you don’t like sports you just don’t understand.  The only story I can give you to persuade you on this position of fandom involves last year’s Superbowl.  My father was born and raised in New York and is a die hard New York Giants fan.  It is the only team that no matter what happens, he will alway give his allegiance to.  When he told me about his cancer diagnosis he said to me “At least the procedure will be done in time so I can watch the Giants play Green Bay” in the playoffs.  I laughed despite what was happening.  Fast forward to the Super Bowl and we were both at home watching it: he in his chair and me standing with nervous excitement.  Brady heaved one last hail mary and it hit the turf: the Giants were Super Bowl champs once again.  We both started screaming and hugging after another improbable championship run by the Giants.  It was one of the most beautiful, wonderful fucking moments of my life.  I’m choking up just writing about it.  In that moment the fear and anxiety of his cancer diagnosis was washed away, hope was restored.  Football provided a moment for my dad and the rest of us to forget about his troubles and I’ll never forget it as long as I live.

The clock ticked down to zero my in the final game of my career and it really was surreal as I choked back a few tears.  My mom came down to the field crying and I couldn’t hold back.  I had done it.  Four long years of hard work but I felt accomplished.  To stick with it was something I never conceived of because of the situation.  I nearly quit football again after my junior season of college.  As a school we finished our best season in 15 years and I can say I at least contributed to that turn around.  I gotta thank the guys on my team for encouraging me to stay and see it through.  I may not have played but I was always there to provide a good look for the starters and guide the underclassmen through their careers.

So to those who are thinking of quitting, don’t.  It’s true that a football team needs every guy to contribute, no matter how miniscule, in order to succeed.  Football (and sports in general) show you a lot about what kind of person you are.  You learn if you do have the drive and the grit to succeed, even when things aren’t going your way.  You learn loyalty and develop discipline as long as you throw everything you have into it.  The games don’t define you as an athlete and a person, the effort you put forth does.  The post game celebrations are a hell of a time as well, especially when the coaches take you out for drinks after your career.  You’re going to create relationships and memories you’ll never forget.  It gives those who might otherwise be outcasts a place to belong and potentially shine.  This is why people who understand sports know it’s more than a game, it’s a part of your life.  Musicians have their music, Artists their art, athletes their sports.  These aren’t mutually exclusive and in fact interact much more than people realize.  Sports will always be around and for that I’m eternally grateful.  Thank you football and all those who supported me.  Hopefully I can take everything I’ve during my time apply it in the world at large and maybe make a difference.

Jackson Browne- “The Load Out/Stay”

I don’t get why so many people say the main story of Skyrim is “dull”, “boring”, or “pure shit”…it wasn’t any worse really than the story for either oblivion or morrowind.  In all three you’re a former prisoner who has a destiny (except for in oblivion but it’s implied) and you have to defeat a great evil to save the world.  The details for all these main quests are pretty good, I personally liked learning the original purpose of the blades and I loved bethesda’s interpretation of dragons as having their own language and culture.  What do you guys think?

Is it just me or do other people think that a great movie could be made based off of the Shivering Isles expansion for Oblivion.

On tumblr I’ve come to realize that the majority of everybody likes melee over brawl and I don’t understand why.  Granted, I didn’t play a lot of melee but I think I played enough to relize that brawl is really just an updated version and is generally better.  Is it because people liked Roy that much? Is it because people like the Game Cube better?